Vulgarity

The Consummation of Indignation
Nick Olson

Sheer outrage. Sheer, unparalleled outrage. Today will forever herald the capitulation of courtesy and the victory of vulgarity. Though some day the world may be saved, though future victories may come, though Bush will be overthrown and though even the rainforests may some day be replanted, the heinous atrocity committed today will forever remain a blemish on the character of the human people. The deed effected on this infamous date will forever pollute our nature; even in memory, our children will bear this stinging stigma with the full retribution of remorse.

Though I fear the foulness of such a deed may poison my mind and my readers’ minds even in recollection, though it stains my fingers as I type, justice demands such sacrifices that such deeds be exposed that they may be convicted and recognized as the pinnacle of perversion.

While I was today at Starbucks picking up my regular Chai Tea Latte with a triple shot of liberal cynicism, the barista managed to utter words so obscene and abominable as would make Rush Limbaugh cringe.

As he superciliously placed my drink down for me to pick up, with a jeering smile, he uttered the words, “Good morning, sir!”

Traumatized, appalled, I sacrificed my latte and threw it in his face. When the manager came over, I demanded that the brute resign immediately, and then proceeded to escape that den of depravity.

Never have I heard such desecration of modern values. In one sentence, the fiend had managed to forge a triune vulgarity that offended my every sensibility. Though even now I gag at the memory, modernity implores me to vivisect the utterance, that others may recognize the wickedness of this abomination.

The first word the reprobate thrust upon my ears was “good.” And what a word to begin with!—in a single word, the villain had imposed upon me an objective morality, encompassing every conservative vulgarity: that of sexual restriction, including a homosexual anathema, that of the suspension of the right to choose, whether that be abortion, drug abuse, murder, suicide, incest, or rape, that of all moral imposition! In a single utterance, the beast had managed to violate every sensibility of every modern person. But he did not stop his obscenity there.

The second word the barbarian forced upon this world was “morning.” After offending every personal truth, this man proceeded to narrow-mindedly exclude three-quarters of the world. Was it morning in China, oh barista? How about in Africa? How did this racist, uneducated bigot manage to squeeze in even more imprecation? Undoubtedly this lesser demon is a product of The Demon and his administration; indeed, the education system has collapsed under Bush. As a result, our country is now brimming with atrocities such as this monster. But even those two strokes were not enough for him; no, he continued his profanity.

“Sir”—with a mockingly facetious respect, the wretch capped off his crime by imposing upon me sexual strictures. All my past hopes that man had ascended beyond his naiveté were crushed as I was personally attacked and caged within a conservative gender role. With a single, crushing word, the barista doomed me to years of therapy and sexual exploration in order to re-determine who I am. Thus his triune obscenity was complete, and he simply stood there grinning like Nero over his inflamed Rome.

Friends and colleagues, I am a man of hope. I know that one day the world will grow beyond such visceral ignorance. But search yourselves today, that we may save the world from one less casualty. The next victim of moral, temporal, and sexual imposition may be your loved ones! I exhort all man now, liberate yourself from any and all moral, temporal, and sexual strictures! Embrace freedom!

Perhaps I overreact. Perhaps the barista was actually acknowledging our dismal state of affairs and had actually said “good mourning.” In which case, I applaud our barista and encourage all others to join in his mourning for our sad, sad state, which may never escape from its moral and sexual enslavement.