A Message from Your Leader

On Why You Would Be Wise to Bake Me Brownies
Nick Olson

Hello women,

Given that I am supreme master and ruler of the universe, I strongly exhort you to make me brownies. You need not read any further, as it behooves you as my subject to comply with my will. If you need proof of my sovereignty, allow me to remind you that “that government is best which governs least.” By such criteria, my negligence has crowned me not only as supreme ruler of the universe, but also as master of the greatest government conceivable.

Before you question the legitimacy of my rule, know that others have raised objections to my rule, and such objections have been squelched. The right to free speech and protest was a privilege under the American government, but that prerogative has been suspended for the good of my subjects. Indeed, the criteria aforementioned are a far more rational foundation for rule than previous criteria for rule, which include being spawned from a 3000-year-old incestuous gene pool of Egyptian pharaohs, pulling swords from stones, and being a descendent of Zeus, who, as Homer teaches us, was himself unfit to rule.

Given the governmental capriciousness that often follows revolutions, you may think yourself prudent in rejecting my request and waiting until I am overthrown. Such audacity will do you no benefit, however, as I am well prepared for such volatility. As a master of the liberal arts, I have gleaned from history and literature a vigilance for the hazards that may endanger my sovereignty. Firstly, unlike other rulers, I will beware the Ides of March. In doing so, I will undoubtedly fair better than Cao Cao, Nicholas II of Russia, or Julius Caesar.

Secondly, I will avoid apples at all costs; not only are they responsible for the fall of man, but also, through Eris, they are responsible for Troy’s downfall. Furthermore, insofar as an apple a day keeps the doctor away, by suspending the daily ration of apples, I will allow for the return of doctors, whose widespread medical assistance will universally strengthen my authority. Thirdly and most importantly, I will never invade Russia in the winter; it simply never goes well. With these tactics at hand, my rule will be everlasting, and thus it behooves you even more to bake me brownies. So be a good woman and bake.