How Not to Write

My Über Good Essay
Nick Olson

There appears to be some confusion on campus regarding the subject of how not to write an essay. However, struggling students need not worry, as I have provided a perfect example of how not to write an essay:

“In the dawn of time God made all the stuff”
-Somewhere in the Bible

Then you gave me this stupid paper to write. So I stood up till like infinity a.m. Anywhom, My thesis is that my opinion is that i feel like Achilles is pretty much a cool guy.

Achilles is the guy on the cover of the book. He has a cool helmet and little swirlies on his chest. (The cover page of Penguin Classics.) Secondarily, he has a Mohawk which gives him at least ten cool points. My next point is that on the cover, Achilles is made of green metal so he is like the combination of the Hulk and Iron Man and the Green Lantern. Except I don’t like the Green Lantern. Also there’s a penguin at the top. It’s a penguin cause penguin’s are fluffy and cute but also versatile fish chompers and there black and white -- that’s goodness and evilness. In conclusion, homer shoudn’t’ve put a penguin on his cover.

Also, the movie Troy shows that Achilles is a cool guy. He beats people up with his cool sword moves. (Watch the movie) Also, he is Brad Pitt. Although he’s not Vin Diesel, that’s still cool. And if i remember right (i watched it like a few months ago), achilles was cool at the end (The proof is in the pudding.) Troy was basically the worst movie ever.

Achilles is a champion ergo a cool guy. That’s how he’s able to beat up the Green Lantern. (Even look at wikipedia.) And plus, if he’s not a champion, then why in the ding dong dickens would he eat Wheaties; the very breakfast of champions! (Ok so i didn’t find this quote but i know it’s in there; even ask me). In the end though, Paris beats up Achilles. That’s why I don’t like him.

In conclusion, i didn’t like Achilles or the iliad. Well i didn’t read it but it sounds boring. Who wants to listen to a fat bald man who eats donuts and beer and works at a nuclear power plant? But it’s not important ‘cause the Greeks were all dumb-dumbs anyways. The end.

PS: Q.E.D.

I hope this example sheds some light on the subject and enables our students to write better essays in the future.