Modern English Revisions

On Having the Courage to Efficiently Utilizate the Byzantine Complexities of the Linguistic Epistomology in Our Present Era
Nick Olson

Amongst the copious disciplines that students endeavor to decipher, the mastery of the English language proves itself the most onerous, due both to its capriciousness and its amalgamated nature of Latin, Greek, and Anglo-Saxon. Though I am no philologist, I wish to address the common errata and errors made due to the former, the volatile nature of English. In virtue of my youth and ebullience, I present the following list of addendums, revisions, deletions, modifications, and suggestions for usage of the English language that were made recently that one might have failed to notice.

1. The superlative is now acceptable as a means to expressing strong personal preference, especially in the cases where the speaker is too inept to express his opinion in any other manner. E.g., “Kanye West is the best rapper ever!” For added emphasis, rather than elaborating upon the qualities that render the subject great, one may add the adverb “seriously”. E.g., “No, seriously, Halo 3 is the best video game ever!” For matters of minor personal preference (as in an item that is liked but is not a favorite) the item may be described as a favorite, e.g., “This new Aaron Carter song is my favorite!”

2. The word “use” is now obsolete. It has been replaced by “utilize”, which has over twice as many letters and is more closely related with the Latin (and is therefore far more meaningful.)

3. In matters of exhortation, it is of vital importance to establish intellectual proficiency. The quickest manner of achieving this is with a thesaurus. The following example has been provided.

Poor employment of the English Language: “The cat sat on the mat.”

Excellent employment of the English Language that immediately establishes intellectual proficiency: “The quadruped, which was of a curiously but distinctively feline nature, ensconced itself upon the dhurrie.”

4. Regarding matters of argument, logic has become obsolete. It demands large amounts of concentration from one’s audience, which can only be accumulated from a modern audience with elaborate illustrations and youtube videos. Consequently, it is far more advantageous to the writer or thinker to engage an argument with a personal anecdote, preferably involving a faith-journey. Observe in this example how the counter-argument perfectly utilizes this strategy to refute the opposition.

“Fornication dissolves the sanctity of marriage, consequently damaging the foundations of society and the happiness of the family.”

“Well, in my personal faith-journey, there are lots of things that I have experienced. In fact, in my personal opinion, I think that I feel like it is a pretty much good thing to break free from the strictures of monogamy. While I married to Rick for ten months I had no idea how amazing life could be if I just took the time to explore the various wonders that I was missing out on. After all, I just wanted to be happy! So don’t enforce your rules on me, you fascist!”

5. Further regarding matters of exhortation, the guilt-trip, while formerly effective, now can be quickly identified by an intelligent person and thus lose its effectiveness. Far more efficient is the invocation of courage, as it can be applied in every situation effectively. The following examples have been provided.

“Have the courage to stand up for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage!”
“Have the courage to stand up for gay rights!”
“Have the courage to masturbate!”

It takes a great amount of courage to support something, or to protest it, or to retain apathy on the matter.

6. In matters of speech, in order to present oneself as academically accomplished, intellectually credible, and persuasive, whenever possible, utilize a British accent. (By British accent, I am of course referring to the upper-class inner-London accent. The Cockney accent will do quite the opposite of establishing intellectual credibility, and the Liverpool accent makes one sound like a drug-abusing walrus.)

7. The word “cool”, previously used informally to signify excellence, has been replaced by the word “phallic”. It may be utilized now in both formal and informal settings.

8. The abbreviation “lol”, which previously stood for “laugh out loud,” now stands for “I am incompetent. Please terminate my existence as it is a blight on all society.”