Cogito Ergo Suck

The following was attached to the back of my final paper for my philosophy professor, Dr. Dwyer:

Descartes is a Douche
Luke Olson

I’ve been doing stuff for a long time, and I pretty much know it – Descartes is a douche. Cogito ergo sum? More like cogito ergo suck. He’s not even cute. In fact, I woodunt make babies with Descartes even if he was the last dum frenchie on earth. I have lots of reasons to belief that Descartes sucks, which I wanna talk about. My thesis is that Descartes is an infinite pussbag of undulating suck; howsoever, Dr. Dwyer is cool and people even kinda like him.

The first way that you can know that Descartes sucks is that if you made him into an action figure no one would want to play with him. His karate chop move woodunt work and he dusnt even have telekinesis. Even the green lantern wood beat him. The green lantern sucks.

Reason number two. Descartes gets you no chicks. Chicks are cool. Therefore Descartes is not cool.

Third, he could’ve at least grown a sweet moustache, but instead he grew a dum stringy one. Tom Selleck didn’t have a stringy moustache. Burt Reynolds didn’t have a stringy moustache. I bet the real reason he grows a dum stringy moustache is to hide his upper lip tentacles. One time when i was in Mexico (pronounced Mayheeko) and I saw an old man make a fart in a cup and then smell it, and I asked him why was he doing this. He said, “Because Descartes sucks.” (Old man. Old Man Quote Book. (My Printer: My House, 1422). Ninety-eleven.) This is how I knew that I was on to something. Then he told me that I had cute thighs. This is how I knew that he was on something.

Furthermore, the proof is in the pudding.

Finally, why the butt doesn’t he just write in English? It’s not like its that hard; Plato did it and so did Moses (just go to the freakin bookstore and you’ll see). Even Jesus spoke English. Hitler is the only person who wrote in french anyways, and who likes Hitler? Therefore, Descartes doesn’t like Jesus, children or rainbows.

However, Dr. Dwyer is not like Descartes. He has no stringy moustache, prolly gets you more chicks than Descartes, and while his action figure might still lose to the green lantern, he’s still pretty cool. Just like a really smart guy once said, “Ummmm…I guess Dr. Dwyer is kinda cute.” Sometimes he even makes funny jokes, and that’s why Descartes tries to entice him with succulent chocolates.

In conclusion, if you like to suck, then by all means go join the suck party with Descartes. He likes country, cant dance the trotske, and is anti-cookie monster. Dr. Dwyer, however, is a world-class friend and gives the cookie monster an occasional sponge bath. Plus Dr. Dwyer is smarter than Descartes. That’s why Descartes is dead and Dr. Dwyer is not.