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Solving the Twin Problems of Global Warming and Social Security
Dylan Key

Around 60 years ago, after several years of hard fighting, protecting freedom across the globe in the conflict known as World War II, our grandfathers returned home to the United States. Once reunited with their wives and sweethearts, they had one desire, to get it on. 9 months later, the deluge began, as babies (who, believe it or not are the consequences of such wanton sexuality) began to appear in deliver rooms across our nation. These babies are, of course, the “Baby Boomers”.

Now those same babies are old wrinkly and ready to retire. Luckily, good old President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in yet another example of his prescient leadership and courage, developed the Social Security program, to maintain adequate life styles for these great old Americans. Social Security is funded by the workers of America, money which will in turn be paid to us when we retire.

However, social security has not had to deal yet with the retirement of such a large number of workers. Most pundits are in agreement in saying that Social Security could quite possibly collapse under the weight of a large new enrollment of Baby Boomers, and that the taxes from the remaining work force will not be able to sustain Social Security.

Another great problem facing our country is the threat of Global Warming. Global Warming, a product of the factories and industry of white big company conservative pigs, is about to wreck havoc on our world’s ecosystem. The rise in temperature of sea waters, caused by the increased reflection of sun rays that are unable to escape the doomsday net of Greenhouse gases (which come from those same old ignorant conservatives), will drastically effect life as we know it.

Believe it or not, I have a solution. These two problems, both of which are hindering our natural progression to a Hegelian model of intellectual fulfillment, must be turned against each other. See, Global Warming will cause the Polar Ice Caps to melt, which will increase sea levels. Low lying areas throughout the world to flood. Retiring Baby Boomers prefer, above all things, to move to Florida, which is precisely one of those low-lying areas that will be decimated by Global Warming induced flooding. This flooding will eliminate substantial amounts of retirees, which will remove the strain on Social Security, and allow our hard-earned dollars to be saved for our own retirement.

So, tomorrow, steal the keys to your conservative neighbors' SUV and crank that engine. You’ll be saving U.S. taxpayers dollars.