Byzantine Postmodernism

On the Beauty and Complexity of Modernity
Luke Olson

Despite the beauty and complexity of the modern world, there are some who speciously allege it to be bereft of purpose or propriety. Some even have the audacity to call modern man ignorant. These accusations are not only subversive, but ignorant not only to the social breadth of the modern world but of its intellectual, psychological and sexual compass as well. The modern world is like a big party on a rainbow and everyone is invited! I intend to address these assertions, as I am one of dissimulation and satyriasis, by reinforcing the complexity and superiority of the modern world. I therefore put forth these twelve considerations:

1. After centuries of obsequious submission to the strictures of religion and the “Father,” we are now triumphantly free to consult the horoscope, our magic 8-ball and therapists. Never before have our mothers so dictated our fate.

2. Instead of adhering to a transcendent principle of truth, goodness or beauty, we have now shed the limitations of “truth” and celebrate relativity, which is a euphemism for the “booty principle”, that is, agreeing unequivocally with the most attractive girl (or that which most resembles a girl in desperate situations) in the room, no matter how idiotic she is.

3. After protracted oppression by the constraints of belief in a hell and a Satan, we have discovered the true root of evil: George Bush. This has been known ever since Kanye West revealed that Bush caused Hurricane Katrina, ate the last unicorn and is a robot recharged by children’s tears in his recent hit “You ain’t no man.”

4. Why read old Arthurian tales with big words like perspicacity, hirsute or insipid when every tale of love, betrayal and nobility can be adequately expressed in a 3-minute youtube video with vegetables and falsetto?

5. We have the new Star Wars trilogy, which invariably involves more flashing lights and shiny stuff than the old ones.

6. Linguists have consistently shown that languages develop towards simplicity, and English is no exception. Modern vernacular allows men a vast expanse of expression never previously available to such masters of language as Tolkien or Dostoevsky, e.g. “Man, that straight-billed baseball cap is dope!” or “Damn Herman, show me ya grill!” It’s only a matter of time before I can score a smokin’ hot wife with a series of grunts and bodily contortions.

7. “You my hoe” is finally a compliment.

8. Antiquated forms of dance that merely disguised men’s intentions behind a curtain of manner and a fluidity of movement have now been extirpated and replaced with a much more flattering and primal form of dance referred to as “spasmodic loins,” in which the man violently gyrates his hips into a frenzy so as to most naturally express his intentions for the recipient of his murderous hips.

9. Modernity has everybody’s loveable, but slightly effeminate little brothers: Canada and Zac Efron.

10. Unlike antiquity, modernity presents us with a myriad of solutions to boredom, such as chillin’, just hangin’ or being real.

11. In an attempt to more fully pronounce our primal virility we have strayed from the harmonious and soothing piano concertos of Chopin to a more expressive reflection of our discordant soul – Kanye West and his impeccable appraisal of the human condition, “Do that mean God gon’ make my kids be stupid as well.”

12.a. The emergence of relative truth and the sexual revolution have given us an unprecedented amount of sexual outlets involving every orifice or appendage imaginable, despite their utter superfluity in reproduction. This manifests itself in sexual relations involving two men, or two women, or two women and one man, or two men and one woman, etc. Perhaps with continuing assiduity in this area, we will one day be able to shed the confines of same-species relationships to extend this list to a man and a dog, or a woman and two kangaroos, or two men, a woman and a gaggle of geese, or even a man, a bear, an elephant walrus, a platypus, the Kool-Aid guy and several congenial turkeys. Of such I dream.

b. This erosion of platitudes is in no way related to an atrophy of modern intelligence. I mean, just look at all the ways I can intelligently express my sexual frustration! I am salacious, I’m as prurient as a heifer in heat, even Jesus couldn’t heal my lechery, to be libidinous or not to be unlibidinous, I am licentious to kill, or even, I have extreme bouts of satyriasis.

With these twelve considerations, I hope to have exculpated modernity of ignorance and excess. If modern man successfully continues to shed his strictures perhaps he will soon be enlightened enough to shed his humanity...and his clothes.

Shocking Archaeological Discovery

Recent Archaeological Discovery Has Catholic Church in Tremors
Luke Olson

PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA – Earlier this week, in Southern Cambodia, a team of attractive, racially diverse and sexually open-minded archaeologists uncovered an artifact with a crude carving of Christ depicted as a vampire. An inscription beneath the drawing read 'De Sanguine Cristo', meaning in Latin ‘On the Blood for Christ’, a slight variation of the traditional Christian passage, 'De Sanguine Cristi', or ‘On the Blood of Christ.’ The Christian understanding of the passage is the cornerstone of their faith in which participants receive the body and blood of Christ in order to participate in a divine union with God. With this discovery, that belief is deeply threatened.

“We feel that our opinion is that this is pretty much decisive evidence against the Christian religion, although not decisive in the sense that we’re trying to impose,” said Nahash Rainbow-Haus, an adjunct professor at Harvard University and member of the archaeological team, who has also been blessed with soulful eyes and a roguish grin, “and we are very excited to forge a new trail for humanity – one that exists without the strictures of a man-made religion. I vote first for the removal of the strictures of clothes.”

The artifact itself stands 18 inches tall, and depicts Christ flying through a dark night sky with long, canine-like fangs and a vial of blood wrapped around his neck. A crude speech bubble is drawn around his head with a Latin phrase that is roughly translated as “Vlah! I vant to suck your blood!”

The controversial vampiric depiction of Christ, however, is causing a stir in some religious circles over the proper worship of their Redeemer. “The House of the Dead shall be resurrected by the blood of the innocent,” said Count Chocula, the figurehead of a little-known, but scrumptiously delicious chocolate cereal, “I [expletive deleted] hate that cereal, but I thought the subtlety of marshmallows in the shape of severed heads and detached organs would get the children on my side.”


In the past 100 years, there have been a plethora of ancient texts uncovered with controversial interpretations of Christ, Mary Magdalene and his Apostles ranging from the Dead Sea Scrolls to the Gospel of Judas, but none have proved to be as contentious as the rough carving, which carbon dating places at 36 C.E. The discovery uproots a fundamental element of western religion that has come under fire in recent decades from leading intellectuals of our time, such as Dan Brown, Rosie O’Donnell and throngs of manic-depressive teenagers who wear makeup and eat their feelings.

“Dude man, I’ve been saying for way too long now, so all you fascists better listen up,” said Dylan "Gaping Soul" Tucker, a local teenager known for his whiney, pitiable poetry and his extensive Asian tattoo collection, “A lot of us have got things to say, and we’ve been saying them, or wanting to say them, and this just proves it, and now we’re gonna start saying things, and you’re all a bunch of damn fascists. Oh, and conformity is the death of individuality.”

Several of Dylan’s friends, who were physically linked to him with chains of body piercings, echoed his statement with a chorus of “yeahs” and “that’s right.” Dylan, however, wasn’t available for further questioning because he choked on an excessively large feeling.

Despite the novelty of the discovery, the western world is suffering from extensive ramifications from various social organizations, especially the VZEA or, The Vampire and Zombie Enthusiasts of America. Raymond Lofton, referred to by his peers as Vampiric Destiny, was kind enough to take a break from his FPSMMORPG (First-Person Shooter Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game) to speak with us on the condition that the only light allowed into the room come from a pale computer screen, so as not to upset what he called “totally glazed over eyes”, and that Jerry, our news editor, continually press F6 to cast Bestial Howl for his level 79 Druid Warlock. “Man, I’ve always loved zombies,” said Lofton, a self-proclaimed level 14 zombie enthusiast, “and it totally makes sense that they’re like the henchmen of God. I mean, they’re just so wicked awesome. Did you see 'Dawn of the Dead' where the no-legged zombie attacks the girl with the big rack in the parking garage? I mean that’s Darwinian evolution and societal handicapped awareness bundled into one gruesomely awesome scene.”

Pamela Cranson, a visiting archaeologist from Stanford University, who also has a Ph.D. in open-mindedness, expressed her opinion, “It seems that after thousands of years of lies, deceit, prevarication and redundancy in the highest rings of the Catholic Church, we have discovered that Christ’s original intention was not for us to eat his body and drink his blood, because that’s just crazy. Rather we are to gather for him the body and blood of others as a penitential sacrifice for our wrongdoings.”

The recent development has many questioning the authority of Scripture and the Catholic Church, and although many believers have remained faithful to the Holy See, such concrete evidence as this is causing an unparalleled societal turmoil.

SexxyPrincessUnICOrnFairyStar73 told reporters on Instant Messenger that “religion is like so totally gay,” and that her “mom only does it cuz shes jealous of how omg HOTT I am and cuz she doesn’t want me to be with Timmy cuz dad NEVER kisses her like that!!!11”

Marketers, however, are already taking advantage of the new depiction of Christ, and are marketing him as a social revolutionary. Abercrombie & Fitch has begun mass production of T-Shirts with a print of Christ with fangs, ruffled hair and wild eyes on the front and "What Would Jesus Do?" printed on the back. A recent Marlboro ad shows Christ returning to his cellar in Jerusalem after an exhausting night of ravaging the town. Leaning against his coffin, the rugged, dangerous-looking Christ stares despondently out the window and lights up a solitary, slender cigarette as the camera pans up to the moon. Reportedly, the vampiric Christ will even be appearing on next month's box of Wheaties.

"As marketers, it is our duty to turn controversial images and figures into diluted shells of their original self by mass-producing the image on T-shirts, coffee mugs and bumper stickers until the image is rendered utterly sterile," said Rich Hampton, Chief Director of Marketing Affairs at TGC (Thank God for Capitalism), "Vampire Christ is simply the next Che Guevara."

When Fr. Wojciech Giertych, the official theologian of the Papal household, was questioned about the recent discoveries, he stated, “Are you stupid?,” and mumbled either a voodoo incantation over my soul, damning me to an eternity of excruciating pain or something in Polish.

The widespread panic that has cataclysmically rung throughout every demographic has still received little response from the Catholic Church. Whether these discoveries will spell the dawning of a new age or simply another short-lived controversy remains to be seen, but for the first time in thousands of years, the integrity and legitimacy of the Catholic Church is wavering.

Cogito Ergo Suck

The following was attached to the back of my final paper for my philosophy professor, Dr. Dwyer:

Descartes is a Douche
Luke Olson

I’ve been doing stuff for a long time, and I pretty much know it – Descartes is a douche. Cogito ergo sum? More like cogito ergo suck. He’s not even cute. In fact, I woodunt make babies with Descartes even if he was the last dum frenchie on earth. I have lots of reasons to belief that Descartes sucks, which I wanna talk about. My thesis is that Descartes is an infinite pussbag of undulating suck; howsoever, Dr. Dwyer is cool and people even kinda like him.

The first way that you can know that Descartes sucks is that if you made him into an action figure no one would want to play with him. His karate chop move woodunt work and he dusnt even have telekinesis. Even the green lantern wood beat him. The green lantern sucks.

Reason number two. Descartes gets you no chicks. Chicks are cool. Therefore Descartes is not cool.

Third, he could’ve at least grown a sweet moustache, but instead he grew a dum stringy one. Tom Selleck didn’t have a stringy moustache. Burt Reynolds didn’t have a stringy moustache. I bet the real reason he grows a dum stringy moustache is to hide his upper lip tentacles. One time when i was in Mexico (pronounced Mayheeko) and I saw an old man make a fart in a cup and then smell it, and I asked him why was he doing this. He said, “Because Descartes sucks.” (Old man. Old Man Quote Book. (My Printer: My House, 1422). Ninety-eleven.) This is how I knew that I was on to something. Then he told me that I had cute thighs. This is how I knew that he was on something.

Furthermore, the proof is in the pudding.

Finally, why the butt doesn’t he just write in English? It’s not like its that hard; Plato did it and so did Moses (just go to the freakin bookstore and you’ll see). Even Jesus spoke English. Hitler is the only person who wrote in french anyways, and who likes Hitler? Therefore, Descartes doesn’t like Jesus, children or rainbows.

However, Dr. Dwyer is not like Descartes. He has no stringy moustache, prolly gets you more chicks than Descartes, and while his action figure might still lose to the green lantern, he’s still pretty cool. Just like a really smart guy once said, “Ummmm…I guess Dr. Dwyer is kinda cute.” Sometimes he even makes funny jokes, and that’s why Descartes tries to entice him with succulent chocolates.

In conclusion, if you like to suck, then by all means go join the suck party with Descartes. He likes country, cant dance the trotske, and is anti-cookie monster. Dr. Dwyer, however, is a world-class friend and gives the cookie monster an occasional sponge bath. Plus Dr. Dwyer is smarter than Descartes. That’s why Descartes is dead and Dr. Dwyer is not.

Reflections from May 18th

A Sobering View of Our Superficial World
Dylan Key

Like most of the people on the Internet, I'm a very priviledged person. I have a family who loves and supports me, I have enough resources to attend college, I have a job, food at regular mealtimes, and a bed to sleep on. And, like many of you, I sometimes, nay, often, take these things for granted. Well, today I'd just like to try to bring life back into perspective. So if you're reading this, if you could just try to turn down your music and the TV, and take this moment to reflect on something that I think will touch all of you.

The past few months have been very difficult. The Virginia Tech Massacre, The War in Iraq, the uncertainty of the lives of our future generations with the threat of Global Warming. However, here sitting in my plush five bedroom townhouse with all the essential amenities of civilization, these dangers seem far off. It's hard for me to relate to them. But tomorrow is the anniversary of something that I know allowed us to take a breath outside of our over-protected bubble and actually FEEL, the dangers that 90 percent of the world have to cope with everyday.

I am of course talking about tomorrow's Preakness. Can you believe it's been only a year since that fateful day when Barbaro's bone's collapsed down the stretch. I know for you, and for me, it feels like Eons. Barbaro was a hero to all of us, for those few weeks between the Kentucky derby and the fateful Preakness, he lifted all of us to happiness, and in those treacherous months of treatment, he touched all of us. He died over the winter, and since then we've all been just going through the motions of our daily regiment, unable to concentrate, dwelling and wallowing in our despair at the dying and death of this noble steed.

Sometimes we would wake up in the morning, and in those few moments before our minds were fully concious, we'd think "Hey, todays looking alright" and then someone would ask us for the Elmers glue and we'd be reminded of Barbaro, and we would be brought down to our shattering grief.

Tomorrow will be an opportunity for all of us to lay our sorows and despair at the foot of Barbaro's dead corpse and have him free us from our torment. And I hope we all will finally be able to move on. Our realationship to Barbaro will cease being one of tragedy and tears, but one of respect and gratitude for Barbaro's heroic life. I have a challenge for all of us. The next time we're working on a craft and squeeze a little bit of Barbaro out of that bottle of Elmer's promise me you won't break down into tears, but instead, together with our entire broken nation, hail Barbaro, the noble steed.

Liberty and Death

The Declaration of Independence from Religion
Nick Olson

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for the elite to dissolve the ethical bands which have impeded them from progression, and to assume among the powers of science, the separate and unequal stations to which the Laws of Science ordain men and women, superciliousness and self-vindication require that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that men and women have evolved separate and unequal, in varying levels of superiority and inferiority, that God, who retards ethical and social evolution, is dead, both demographically and existentially, that whenever any form of religion or obscurantist faction rejects these truths, it is the right of the elite to cleanse society and institute such a progression that lays its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to science shall seem most likely to effect their Sexual Freedom and Pleasure. When a long train of abuses and usurpations evinces a design to reduce these truths under absolute Superstition, it is their right–it is their duty to throw off such ethical shackles, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such is now the necessity that constrains us to cleanse our former systems of religion and ethical limitations. The history of present religions, particularly of the Christian Church, is a history of repeated irrationalities, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Moral tyranny over ethical freedom. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Religion has refused to submit to the Sciences, the most wholesome and necessary discipline of the public good.

Religion has imposed upon society innumerable strictures of such a senseless and meaningless nature that they not only forestall societal progression but also directly suppress it. Such strictures include religious observances and practices, prayer, and church services.

Religion has repeatedly instigated war and civil strife over matters of inconsequential inanity, including the crusades, the French wars of religion, the thirty years’ war, the Inquisition, the Cristero War, the 9/11 attacks, and the current war on terror.

Religion has impeded sexual freedom, confining sexual expression to one orifice and two people of distinct sex, repressing the libido, the consummate source of man’s happiness. Particularly, religion has oppressed and condoned the oppression of homosexual love and affection, inventing grandiose assertions that sexuality is such an action in such a form so as to have merely one proper way of performance. Additionally, religion has put forth unfounded admonishments of fornicators and adulterers, who are performing in perfect accordance with nearly every other species in nature. Religion has betrayed man’s happiness by reprimanding nearly all forms of sexual expression, including, but not limited to masturbation, homosexuality, bisexuality, trisexuality, incest, consensual pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia.

Religion has not only acquiesced to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, but has castigated birth control and sexual protection, spreading sexual ignorance, indirectly causing such plagues to proliferate through society, most notably the sexually transmitted disease that is the unwanted fetus.

Religion forbids the abortion of fetuses, which either have such insignificant nervous systems such that negligible pain is caused them, or they have sufficient brain capacity to realize the benefit of not being born into this world. In forbidding abortions, religion has caused mental, financial, and emotional strife of countless victims and encouraged the proliferation of the inferior.

Religion has demonized the pleasure of self-indulgence, as exhibited in its rebuke of sexual license, gluttony, and any other appetitive fulfillment.

Religion has extolled the enervation of the body with bodily neglect, flagellation, starvation, and other forms of wanton self-destruction.

Religion, particularly Christianity, has distorted the most fundamental tenets of society, praising the Everyman and scorning the magnanimous, rewarding the lowly psychologically and economically but condemning the superior, and inverting the natural scientific law of evolution which rightly favors the mighty and scorns the lowly. This inversion of principles that coerces the superior into subservience to others manifests its offenses politically, economically, and most heinously, ethically.

Religion has obstructed the progression of science, stymieing advances ranging from astronomy to medical advances, opposing the blessings of stem cell therapy, cloning, and psychiatry.

Religion has made demands of society to waste its resources and capabilities on the elderly, who are a financial, economical, and emotional burden upon society.

Religion has repeatedly endangered humanity, subjecting it to care for criminals unfit for society and undeserving of human life.

Religion has anathematized the virtue of pride and extolled humility, reducing man to a pusillanimous state of impotence.

Religion has proscribed excessive use of certain narcotics, which allow for an ecstasy greater than anything offered by religion.

Most grossly, religion has instituted the outrageous idea of human equality, which has been falsified both by the principles of evolution and by demographics. The consequences of such atrocious equality include the demotion of superiority to the limits of inferiority, the proliferation of incompetence and ineptitude, and the abolition of slavery. As evinced by distinctive racial characteristics and by the scarcity of miscegenation, different races constitute different subspecies of humans. Given that the average intelligence quotient of an African is fifteen to thirty points below that of a European, and given that the average European exhibits five inches greater cranial capacity than Africans, the inferiority of certain races and certain peoples is clearly demonstrated. In light of this evidence, slavery is to be hereby reinstituted; certain persons are to be cleansed so as to promote the greater evolutionary good of society, including, but not limited to the mentally disabled, the crippled, the unintelligent, the unattractive, the sickly, and the elderly.

Religion has audaciously insisted on the veracity of its ethics, despite its utter lack of societal or scientific substantiation.

Religion has promoted obscurantism in such a fashion that those who antagonize our progression vehemently object to our societal ideals despite their inability to refute the benefits of societal progression.

In every stage of these offenses we have exhorted religion to redress; our repeated exhortations have been answered only by repeated injury.

We, therefore, the representatives of the intellectually and morally elite, appealing to the unerring hand of Science, do, in the name and by the authority of our established natural superiority, solemnly publish and declare that mankind is and ought to be free of his former ethical limitations, that he is absolved from all allegiance to religion, and that as free and independent, we hereby maintain to abolish all religion and religious thought, to institute eugenics so as to cleanse mankind of the inferior for the greater evolutionary good of mankind, to reinstitute slavery so as to give a proper place to inferior races, to establish consummate sexual license, and to enable men and women to live in total freedom, so as to herald the start of a new age, and with it, a new man, free from religious or ethical inhibition, in the fullness of pleasure, and thus to bring about the resolution, fruition, and consummation of mankind, in accordance with evolution and sacred Science.

Modern English Revisions

On Having the Courage to Efficiently Utilizate the Byzantine Complexities of the Linguistic Epistomology in Our Present Era
Nick Olson

Amongst the copious disciplines that students endeavor to decipher, the mastery of the English language proves itself the most onerous, due both to its capriciousness and its amalgamated nature of Latin, Greek, and Anglo-Saxon. Though I am no philologist, I wish to address the common errata and errors made due to the former, the volatile nature of English. In virtue of my youth and ebullience, I present the following list of addendums, revisions, deletions, modifications, and suggestions for usage of the English language that were made recently that one might have failed to notice.

1. The superlative is now acceptable as a means to expressing strong personal preference, especially in the cases where the speaker is too inept to express his opinion in any other manner. E.g., “Kanye West is the best rapper ever!” For added emphasis, rather than elaborating upon the qualities that render the subject great, one may add the adverb “seriously”. E.g., “No, seriously, Halo 3 is the best video game ever!” For matters of minor personal preference (as in an item that is liked but is not a favorite) the item may be described as a favorite, e.g., “This new Aaron Carter song is my favorite!”

2. The word “use” is now obsolete. It has been replaced by “utilize”, which has over twice as many letters and is more closely related with the Latin (and is therefore far more meaningful.)

3. In matters of exhortation, it is of vital importance to establish intellectual proficiency. The quickest manner of achieving this is with a thesaurus. The following example has been provided.

Poor employment of the English Language: “The cat sat on the mat.”

Excellent employment of the English Language that immediately establishes intellectual proficiency: “The quadruped, which was of a curiously but distinctively feline nature, ensconced itself upon the dhurrie.”

4. Regarding matters of argument, logic has become obsolete. It demands large amounts of concentration from one’s audience, which can only be accumulated from a modern audience with elaborate illustrations and youtube videos. Consequently, it is far more advantageous to the writer or thinker to engage an argument with a personal anecdote, preferably involving a faith-journey. Observe in this example how the counter-argument perfectly utilizes this strategy to refute the opposition.

“Fornication dissolves the sanctity of marriage, consequently damaging the foundations of society and the happiness of the family.”

“Well, in my personal faith-journey, there are lots of things that I have experienced. In fact, in my personal opinion, I think that I feel like it is a pretty much good thing to break free from the strictures of monogamy. While I married to Rick for ten months I had no idea how amazing life could be if I just took the time to explore the various wonders that I was missing out on. After all, I just wanted to be happy! So don’t enforce your rules on me, you fascist!”

5. Further regarding matters of exhortation, the guilt-trip, while formerly effective, now can be quickly identified by an intelligent person and thus lose its effectiveness. Far more efficient is the invocation of courage, as it can be applied in every situation effectively. The following examples have been provided.

“Have the courage to stand up for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage!”
“Have the courage to stand up for gay rights!”
“Have the courage to masturbate!”

It takes a great amount of courage to support something, or to protest it, or to retain apathy on the matter.

6. In matters of speech, in order to present oneself as academically accomplished, intellectually credible, and persuasive, whenever possible, utilize a British accent. (By British accent, I am of course referring to the upper-class inner-London accent. The Cockney accent will do quite the opposite of establishing intellectual credibility, and the Liverpool accent makes one sound like a drug-abusing walrus.)

7. The word “cool”, previously used informally to signify excellence, has been replaced by the word “phallic”. It may be utilized now in both formal and informal settings.

8. The abbreviation “lol”, which previously stood for “laugh out loud,” now stands for “I am incompetent. Please terminate my existence as it is a blight on all society.”